How to control your consultant
by Tinuviel Rose
Summary: This story kind of got away from me so I decided to change the title. Lisbon explores new ways of keeping Patrick Jane in line.
1. Chapter 1

**This story starts during episode 2x22, just after that scene with the hooker at the bar. Wasn't Lisbon's expression priceless?**

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"Novella" waved goodbye and smiled suggestively at Jane as he and Lisbon left the bar. Lisbon refused to look at the woman, or Jane for that matter. Inwardly she was seething. Lisbon had been very embarrassed when Jane told the hooker she was "adventurous" enough to want a threesome. But that wasn't the worst part. No, the worst part was that Jane's stupid acts were the closest thing she had to a real love life, and he knew it. She hadn't had a date, much less a boyfriend, in over year. Jane seemed to get a perverse pleasure out of rubbing her nose it.

Lisbon walked quickly out to the car and started the engine as soon as she got in. Jane hurried to catch up and jumped in just in time. She pulled out of the parking lot and glared at the traffic in front, lips pursed. She could see Jane studying her out of the corner of her eye and that annoyed her even more.

"You seem upset" Jane observed.

"No kidding" Lisbon replied, keeping a death-grip hold on the steering wheel.

"Is it because I told her you're a bit 'out there'? Because you know that was just an act."

Lisbon glanced at him and realized he was making that stupid puppy-dog face he always used when he wanted her to forgive him. The one with wide, innocent eyes and those stupid blond curls that looked like something out of a Michelangelo painting.

"I know it was an act. It's always an act with you. But I don't want to be part of your little games anymore," she said hotly, reminding herself why she was angry at him.

"But Lisbon, you know it helps us solve cases," he replied plaintively.

"I don't care. Use someone else to lie for you next time," she insisted. What she really meant was _I don't like pretending to be your lover._ But she couldn't say that, because then he would figure out why, and tease her relentlessly about it.

"Van-Pelt wouldn't have been able to pull it off," Jane explained, trying to win her over with reason. "And Rigsby or Cho…wouldn't have been much use in that situation."

In spite of herself, Lisbon was suddenly amused at the thought poker-faced Cho trying to pick up a hooker with Jane. "I'm sure you'll figure something out," she replied. "I mean it Jane. If you try it again, I swear I will NOT play along. Do I make myself clear?" She glared at him, as if to prove how serious she was.

"Yes, Lisbon" he sighed. But there was a glint in his eye and Lisbon knew this wouldn't be the end of it.

* * *

As it turned out, Jane only managed to last a couple of weeks before pulling another "undercover" trick. The team was working on a serial homicide case, but couldn't seem to find a link between the victims aside from cause of death. Until Van-Pelt found a lead in their bank records.

"They were both clients of Tremaine Clinic," she informed Lisbon, proudly handing over the printout.

"Tremaine Clinic? What's that?" Lisbon asked.

"They specialize in …um.. sexual therapy" Van-Pelt replied, blushing slightly.

Lisbon raised an eyebrow and glanced over at Jane, who appeared to be napping on the couch. "Ok, I'll take Cho and go check it out."

"He and Rigsby are still interviewing the ex-boyfriends," Jane interrupted cheerfully, jumping up from the couch. "I'll come with you, Lisbon."

"Fine, come on then." Lisbon sighed and rolled her eyes.

When they got in the elevator she turned to him and crossed her arms. "No funny stuff, Jane."

Jane insisted on stopping at a coffee shop for morning tea along the way, where he ordered a bagel and used the rest room. Lisbon ordered a cappuccino and was pleasantly surprised at the quality, but still chafed at the delay. It was 11am by the time they finally pulled up at the clinic.

The building was light and modern and an attractive young woman attended the reception desk. "Can I help you?" she asked, smiling at Jane.

Jane smiled back and Lisbon narrowed her eyes. "We're here to see Doctor Holland," she informed the young woman coolly.

The woman ripped her eyes away from Jane. "Do you have an appointment?" she asked hesitantly.

"Actually…" Lisbon began, reaching for her badge.

"Yes we do," Jane interrupted suddenly. "You were kind enough to squeeze us in at eleven."

"Oh, you must be Patrick and Teresa" the woman beamed at them. "Please, go on through." She directed them down the hall.

"Jane!" Lisbon hissed, grabbing his arm forcefully when they were out of earshot. "You called from the coffee shop to make an appointment? I said no more games…"

"Oh relax, Lisbon. We'll get much more information this way." Jane smiled and put his arm through hers as they walked into the therapist's office.

Doctor Holland (Phd, not M.D) was a middle-aged woman with auburn hair pulled up in a bun and stern-looking square glasses. She smiled encouragingly and stood up to greet them as they walked in. The room was attractively furnished with a glass desk, potted plants, and stylish black leather chairs and couch. The doctor motioned for Jane and Lisbon to sit on the couch and then she sat on the chair opposite.

"How can I help you today?" Holland asked, glancing from one to the other.

"Well, we're having some problems," Jane began, putting his arm around Lisbon's shoulder.

"No, we're not." Lisbon interrupted, glaring at him.

"Let the man finish, dear," the therapist admonished Lisbon gently. "Go on," she nodded at Jane.

Jane gave Lisbon a comforting squeeze and she felt her objections fade. Damn, he really was a master manipulator. Once again, she was being dragged into a charade.

Jane glanced at Lisbon carefully as if asking her permission to continue. "The problem is, my lady here is a bit ...repressed. Sexually, if you know what I mean."

Lisbon exploded in anger and ripped Jane's arm off her shoulder. "I am NOT sexually repressed!" She stood up abruptly. Jane looked so cool and calm in his immaculate gray suit, she wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face.

Lisbon drew her hand back as if to punch him but then suddenly had a better idea. She straddled Jane's legs and grabbed the front of his jacket. Then, kneeling over his lap, she kissed him. Hard. He seemed frozen in shock so she forced his mouth open with her own and explored it with her tongue. Her hands let go of his jacket and caressed his neck and then the soft golden curls on his head. She breathed in his scent and ground her hips against his.

After a few seconds she began to feel the evidence that his body was responding to her performance. Lisbon decided that was enough to make a point. She stood up. Jane stared at her, mouth open and breathing hard. She slapped him across the cheek and then turned to leave. Holland was watching them with interest, as if this kind of thing happened every day. Well, it probably did in her line of work.

Lisbon strode out the door without a word, and got into the SUV and drove away. Jane would have to find his own way back.

Back in Holland's office, Jane attempted to compose himself. He brushed down his rumpled suit and tried to think about cold showers or dead bodies or something equally unappealing.

"She doesn't seem repressed to me," Holland observed thoughtfully. "Although, there do appear to be some anger and trust issues in your relationship. I can help you with those."

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It was after 5pm and Lisbon waited in her office. The rest of the team and gone home for the day and she wondered if she should call Jane. He'd had it coming of course, but she hoped he wasn't too freaked out. She felt a mixture of relief and trepidation when he finally walked in the door.

Lisbon pretended to be busy with a case report as he approached. "Did you find anything useful at the clinic?" she asked casually.

"Yes, actually. Holland had plenty of insightful advice," he replied cheerfully.

"About the_ case,_ Jane."

"Oh yes, here's a shortlist of the patients and employees you should check out tomorrow." He handed her a piece of paper with seven names on it.

"Thanks Jane." Lisbon was genuinely grateful. Maybe they would make more progress on the case tomorrow.

Jane turned to leave but then paused in the doorway. "By the way, that was a very …intriguing disciplinary method you used back there."

Lisbon snorted. "Yes, well, we've already established that traditional punishments don't work on you. I have to get creative."

"Good for you." Jane grinned.

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**Yes I know it's a bit of a lame ending. But I think Jane needs a time to mull over the situation. And a bit more provocation. Stay tuned for the sequel.**** Reviews? Suggestions?  
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	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Teresa Lisbon sat at her desk, tapping a pen absently on the form she was supposed to be filling in. She wondered if Patrick Jane thought about the kiss as often as she did. He never mentioned it again, or told the rest of the team. Of course, she would deny in vehemently if he did. If it came down to her word against Jane's, no-one would believe him. But he did seem to have a new-found respect for her authority and had practiced admirable self-control for over a month.

Teresa wasn't deluded enough to think he might develop romantic feelings for her. This was Jane after-all, single-minded in his pursuit of vengeance and immune to the charms of women much more attractive than her. So why her mind keep going back to that kiss? It was ridiculous, she really had to find a more suitable outlet for these feelings. Teresa resolved to get out more and a least try to meet a guy. Maybe next week, if she could just get this mound of paperwork under control.

The phone rang, and she dropped her pen in surprise. Hightower. Teresa crossed her fingers and hoped it was about a new case, and not a complaint.

* * *

Lisbon strode out of her office a few minutes later. "We're needed for a case in Arcata Bay," she informed the team. "Double-homicide at Humboldt State University. "

Agent Cho closed his book and snapped to attention. "Overnight trip?"

"Yes, most likely. It's a two-hour drive at least."

Lisbon approached the couch where Jane lay napping and kicked it. "Jane, get up."

The team took half an hour to go home and pack their overnight bags, then they were on the road.

* * *

Time taken to drive to Humboldt university: 2 hours 20 minutes

_Rigsby: "I spy with my little eye something beginning with 't'"_

_Jane: "Tree."_

_Rigsby: "Damn. How about something beginning with 'f'?"_

_Jane: "Fog."_

_Rigsby: (sounding frustrated) "Ok, how about 'm'?"_

_Jane: "More fog."_

_Cho: "I think we've exhausted the possibilities here."_

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Time taken to stop for and lunch and afternoon tea: 1 hour 10 minutes

_Van Pelt: "Why does it smell like onion in here?"_

_Rigsby: (guiltily hiding a bag of crisps under the seat)"What? I'm hungry, ok."_

_Lisbon: "You had bagel just 30 minutes ago!"_

_Jane: "Hey look, a café. Can we stop for a cup of tea?"_

_Lisbon: "No!"_

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Time taken to piss off the deans and arch-chancellor of Humboldt university: 5 minutes

_Arch-chancellor: "Welcome to Humboldt University. We have a world-leading environmental science programme and are dedicated to sustainability."_

_Jane: "And yet you drive a SUV and have four children. You, sir, are a hypocrite."_

_Arch-chancellor: (turns red)_

_Lisbon: "Jane!"_

_Dean: "Ah, you must be the Patrick Jane I've heard so much about. Glad to meet you."_

_Jane: "No you're not."_

_Dean: (looks confused) "I'm not?"_

_Jane: "No, you're worried I will find out about the affair you're having with your doctoral student over there."_

_Dean: "!"_

_Lisbon: "JANE!"_

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Later that evening, the team waited in a hotel bar while Lisbon talked on the phone with Hightower. The hotel and bar had a rustic theme, as did many buildings in town. Posters of the Humboldt Lumberjacks adorned the walls.

"I wonder why anyone would want to kill a couple of forestry students," Van Pelt mused, sipping a glass of water.

"The fog probably drove everyone crazy," Rigsby growled, glaring out the window at the persistent grey haze that had smothered the town all afternoon.

They turned to Jane, expecting him to have a brilliant deduction about the case. But Jane was watching Lisbon carefully. She hung her head and kept mumbling apologies into her phone. Finally, Lisbon snapped the phone shut and rejoined the team.

"Hightower is upset," Lisbon informed them, glaring at Jane. "The arch-chancellor complained to his senator friend, who complained to Hightower."

Jane shrugged, putting down his cup of tea. "I just told the truth. I believe that's still legal."

"Damn it Jane, they've _banned_ you from returning to the university."

"That seems a bit excessive. How are we supposed to solve the case?"

Lisbon sighed and massaged her forehead. "You can still help, just not on the university grounds."

Jane shook his head. "No, there are vital clues to be found there. I could have a look around tonight?"

"NO! Jane, you are going to stay here!"

Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt instinctively leaned back. They didn't like getting in the middle of an argument between Jane and their boss.

Jane grinned suddenly. "You can't really stop me, you know. I'll just wait until you're sleeping and sneak out."

"I have the only car key."

"It's only a mile away. I'll _walk_."

Lisbon stood up abruptly, her hands clenched.

"What are you going to do this time, Lisbon?" he taunted her.

Lisbon grabbed his arm and stared into his blue-green eyes. He grinned, daring her to make her move. Time seemed to stand still as Lisbon reviewed her options. Would she use violence? Or beg him to behave? She hated it when he undermined her authority right in front of her team.

Lisbon made her decision. She reached down to her belt and pulled out the handcuffs. With one fluid movement she snapped one cuff around Jane's right wrist and the other on her left. "You're not going anywhere," she informed him.

The rest of the team stared at them, mouths gaping.


	3. Chapter 3

**Foreword:**

**Thanks for all the reviews and keep those stories coming!**

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Chapter 3**

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Jane's smile faltered as he looked down at the handcuff on his wrist. "Is this really necessary, Lisbon?"

"Yes, it is. And you know I can hold you for twenty-four hours without charge," Lisbon snapped.

Rigsby laughed and gave Cho a high-five. "You had it coming, Jane."

Lisbon pulled Jane up off his chair. Other bar patrons stared curiously. A small group of young men made a hasty exit, apparently wary of law enforcement. She turned to look at the rest of the team. "You three – be ready to go by seven-thirty in the morning. Get some rest."

Lisbon left the bar and dragged Jane and his bag along behind her.

Jane and Lisbon walked along the carpeted hallway towards their rooms. She continued to scowl and Jane looked uncharacteristically nervous.

"Lisbon, I don't think you've thought this through very carefully."

"Oh?"

"You can't leave me locked up all night. What if there was a fire or something?"

Lisbon sighed. She had already decided not to leave him alone. Not because it was unsafe, but because he would probably pick the lock to the handcuffs and escape without her watching him. "I'm not going to leave you locked up in your room. You are staying with me. "

"Really?" Jane looked alarmingly pleased with the idea.

Lisbon swiped her hotel security card in the door and led them into her room. It was small, but cosy with wooden panelling and thick burgundy carpet. The king-size bed took up most of the room. There was an en-suite bathroom and a closet with extra pillows. Her security-conscious eyes noted that the windows could not be opened far enough for someone to get in – or out.

Jane yawned and stretched theatrically. "I need a shower. Are you going to watch me in there too?"

Lisbon blushed but reached into her pocket for the keys. She unlocked the handcuffs and shoved Jane into the bathroom with his overnight bag. "Don't take too long."

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Teresa sat with her back against the bathroom door, watching the small television in the corner. Jane had been in there for at least half an hour. She was getting drowsy but couldn't fall asleep in case he sneaked out. She started watching an episode of "Bones" and was busy admiring Agent Booth when the door abruptly opened behind her.

Teresa fell backwards and looked up to see Jane. An almost-naked Jane. He was wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. His chest was tanned and surprisingly toned, with a hint of fine blond hair. She jumped up and turned away, trying to get the image out of her mind. "Where are your pyjamas?"

"Didn't bring any. I was planning to sleep naked," he said cheerfully, drying his hair with another towel.

Teresa put her hand on her hips. "If you're trying to embarrass me into letting you go, it's not going to work."

"Are you embarrassed then? How interesting." Jane cocked his head. "Aren't you going to shower, Lisbon?"

Teresa approached Jane with the handcuffs again but he this time he put his arms up, out of reach. He grinned smugly and Teresa cursed her short stature.

"Give me your _arm_, Jane"

"_No_"

"Ok, you asked for it." Teresa ducked her head and barrelled into him. She had plenty of experience tackling criminals and Patrick didn't have a chance. He fell backwards onto the bed and she pinned him down with one knee while grabbing his arms. Unfortunately the headboard didn't have anywhere to attach handcuffs, which she thought was very remiss of hotel management.

Teresa struggled to keep her mind on the objective. Jane must not escape and cause more trouble. He stared up at her, a strange glint in his eye. His bare chest was warm and damp and smelled …nice. And his towel was in danger of falling off. Teresa looked around and spied a pair of boxer shorts in his pile of discarded clothes. She jumped off and picked up the shorts. "At least put some pants on."

"No, it's uncomfortable sleeping in boxers," he argued.

"Jane! PUT YOUR PANTS ON!"

"_Are you ok boss?" _came a muffled voice through the wall. Teresa gasped and held her hand over her mouth in embarrassment. Of course her team would be in the rooms next door.

"WE'RE FINE, RIGSBY," Jane yelled back. He grinned at Teresa and took the shorts from her. She turned around while he put them on.

Teresa scanned the room and remembered the closet had a rail in it for hanging clothes. When Jane was decently covered she opened the closet door and handcuffed him to the rail in there. "Stay here while I shower," she commanded, somewhat unnecessarily. She kept the rest of his clothes in the bathroom with her, and locked the door. If he did escape, he wouldn't get far without clothes or shoes.

* * *

Teresa showered and dried her long dark hair. She changed into her nightwear, a black tank top and pink boy-leg shorts. She wished she had brought long pants instead, but it was a bit late now.

She opened the door and saw Jane standing half-naked beside the closet where she left him.

"Yes, I'm still here. And getting mildly hypothermic, by the way."

Teresa silently reached over him to unlock the handcuffs. He wasn't lying about being cold, she could see the goose-bumps on his arms.

He dived into the bed to warm up.

"Coming to bed, Lisbon?" Jane asked suggestively.

Teresa debated just kicking him out and going to sleep. But then he would win. People didn't call Agent Lisbon "stubborn" for nothing. She hid her keys in the bathroom and then went back to the bedroom and climbed into the other side of the bed. She prised Jane's arm out from under the covers and handcuffed it to her wrist again.

"I know where you hid the keys."

"I don't care," Teresa replied irritably. "It's not like you can get to them without waking me up."

They watched TV in bed for a while. Teresa was just starting to doze off when Jane complained, "I'm still cold, Lisbon."

"Not my problem," she informed him.

She felt him sidle across the bed closer to her. And then, an ice-cold foot on her leg. "Argh!" She kicked him violently.

"Just tryin' to warm up," he sulked.

"Ok, ok, I'll get another blanket." She stretched out as far as she could while attached to Jane's arm and snatched a blanket from the closet.

She pulled the blanket over the bed but Patrick refused to go back to his side. "Jane. _Move."_

"Warmer over here," Jane murmured sleepily. Teresa forcefully pushed him away, but like a cat he soon inched closer again. When she finally dozed off, his shoulder and hip were pressed against hers.

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**Preview of the next chapter:**

_Lisbon: "Move your hand. Now."_

_Jane: "I can't. It's attached to yours, remember?"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Foreword:**

**Here's the last chapter, for this story anyway. Thanks for the reviews and good ideas even if I didn't use them in this one!**

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**Chapter 4**

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**12AM**

There was a rustling noise in the darkness. Then, a sharp intake of breath.

"Jane!"

"Hmm?"

"Move your hand. _Now._"

"I can't. It's attached to yours, remember?"

A struggle followed. Then silence.

"Jane?"

"Now what?"

"That had better be a banana in your pocket."

"I'm not _wearing _any pockets."

More struggling. A thump, followed by a pained groan.

"There are laws against cruelty towards prisoners, you know."

"Shut up and stay on your side of the bed."

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**2AM**

There were more rustling noises, accompanied by a whimper of fear. In her dreams, Teresa was pursued by an obscure enemy. Her wrist ached and something heavy pinned her down. She lashed out.

"Ow! Lisbon, stop it!"

"Patrick?"

"Yes, I'm right here. Don't worry Teresa, you're safe. Nothing can hurt you. Go back to sleep now."

"Mmm…Patrick."

"Lisbon?"

"Mmm…that feels good."

"Are you dreaming about me, Lisbon?"

* * *

_Teresa lay on soft, warm grass in an enchanted wood. Stars twinkled and danced in the trees. Patrick was there too, and had his arms around her. Suddenly she realised he was half-naked and it turned into _that_ kind of dream._

_He began to caress her back. A hand slipped under her top and traced teasing circles on her stomach. Teresa lifted her head from his chest and found his lips with her own. Patrick returned the kiss gently and she melted into his embrace. The hand under her top trailed upwards to stroke her breast. She moaned and pressed her body insistently against him. _

_He rolled on top and his lips wandered down her neck to the soft hollow of her shoulder, leaving teasing kisses in their wake. Her hands explored his body, stroking his torso and dipping lower. But then he stopped kissing her and gently pulled her hands away. "We should stop," he murmured._

_Teresa felt a stab of disappointment. This wasn't how dreams were supposed to go. _

_Patrick kissed her cheek once more and rested his head against hers. "Sleep, Teresa." She drifted back into deep sleep and the enchanted glade disappeared._

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**6:30AM**

There was a sharp knock on the door. Teresa groaned, not wanting to wake up. She was nestled against a soft, warm object. But the warm object was pulling away. She groaned in protest as her head slipped down into the hollow it left behind.

A few minutes later she smelled the enticing aroma of freshly-brewed coffee. Her eyes snapped open. Jane was holding out a cup of her favourite brew.

Awareness flooded in. She had been cuddling up to _Patrick Jane._

"Morning, Lisbon. I took the liberty of ordering breakfast by room service."

He smiled, looking a lot more awake than Teresa felt. He even had a fresh shirt on.

Teresa looked down at her wrist and frowned. The handcuffs were gone. She looked wildly around the room and saw them sitting on the night-table.

"You escaped," she said, realization dawning.

"I had to take them off. They were giving you nightmares," Jane said gently.

"You went to the university?" Teresa felt helpless and defeated.

"No," he smiled. "After all your efforts, I couldn't bear to disappoint you. Here, do you want this coffee or not?"

She took the offered cup and then tried to hold it still as he jumped back into bed with the breakfast tray.

"Croissant?" Jane offered, snuggling up beside her. "And don't complain about me being on your side of the bed again. You invaded _my_ side several times last night."

Teresa almost choked on her coffee. She remembered having a particularly vivid dream about him. But it _was_ just a dream, right?

* * *

They checked out of the hotel an hour later. The fog had lifted and it was a clear and chilly morning. Teresa felt the rest of the team watching her and Jane curiously.

"Did you sleep ok, boss?" Rigsby asked.

She glared at him. "I slept just fine, agent Rigsby."

She told the rest of them to meet at the car in ten minutes and then went to find the hotel manager. There was something she needed to check out before she left.

"So you have a record of every time someone enters a room?" Teresa asked the manager.

"Yes ma'am, the doors are all on an electronic card-access system."

"What times were recorded for my room?"

The man brought up a report on his computer and showed it to her. "The card access was only used once, at 8:50PM."

She thanked him and left, feeling very pleased that Jane had told the truth and not gone on a early-morning excursion.

"Happy now?" Jane asked, meeting her near the carpark.

"Yes."

"Well, I hope you learned something from all this, Lisbon."

"And what would that be?"

"That the carrot works better than the stick."

* * *

**THE END**

**P.S I couldn't think of anything interesting to write about solving the case at the university. Just assume they solve it in their usual way.**


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